20 Ways to Kill Edward Cullen by Jacob Black
by Mya Uzo
Summary: Sam forces the pack to start diaries to help organize their thoughts and deal with their emotions. This is Jacob's way of dealing.


I do not own twilight

Dear Journal,

Fuck. I can't believe I'm doing this. I feel so retarded. Who the hell keeps a journal these days? Chicks. That's who. Not big, muscular, handsome men like me. Teenager. Whatever. Those are just details.

Well, let me introduce myself. My name is Jacob Black and I am a teenage werewolf. Wow. This is bizarre to actually write down. I feel like I'm writing some sort of fiction. Ha. Anyways. I'm Jacob (but people call me Jake) and I'm a werewolf. Oh and I kill vampires. Which is very awesome by the way.

Vampires are evil bloodsuckers that need to die. End of story. You do not _fuck_ them! Okay…okay. Let me calm down before I become furry. This must be confusing for you, Journal. Let me slow down a bit. I hate vampires. Okay? Got that? It's in my genetics. I'm designed to dislike them and to kill them. As for the, ya know, sex part? Well obviously I don't have sex with them. That's reserved for Bella!

Shit. That was mean. Give me a second I need to calm down. I guess I'm just not ready to tell you about that yet, Journal. Maybe I'll tell you about Bella in another journal entry.

Fuck. I'm writing in a diary, journal! I'm writing in a journal!

God damn you Sam! This is all his fault. I swear I can feel my manliness dwindle away as I write in this book. Abs don't go! I need you! Okay I just checked. My abs are still here. Moving on now.

So Sam is my pack leader. Technically, I'm supposed to be leader, but I don't really want the job. Too much hassle. This is all his fault because it was his idea. When we are in our wonderfully intimidating werewolf form we share a collective mind. We hear everything that another pack member is thinking. It's really confusing and you get absolutely no privacy. I know that Embry reads hentai, what Emily and Sam did under the covers last night, and well…Paul likes tranny porn. That's just most the disturbing thoughts related to sex. It actually is _much_ worse than that. I know things about my pack members that nobody ever and I mean _ever_ needs to know.

It's hard not to think. Just think about it. Ha. See what I did there? Anwyays, back to my point. Even when you're not trying to think, you think. Sometimes it's not very important at all like wondering what to buy from the grocery store and sometimes it's something embarrassing like sex stuff or remembering when your face was smothered by your aunt's boobs when you were twelve and you got your first boner (Quil).

I don't need to know shit like that. Nobody does. Sam hated the collective mind so much that he decided to make us all get journals. He said some crap like this 'if you write it down it'll give you release and me some relief.'

Whatever.

….So…what the hell do I write in this thing? Huh…well since I can't talk about Bella I can tell you a bit about her bloodsucker.

SO there is this vampire named Edward Cullen. He has gravity defying hair, big round bulging eyes (which I think makes him look like a serial killer) and he's scrawny.

I would kill him if I could. Unfortunately our tribe made this stupid treaty with those Cullen leeches and as long as they stay off of our land we let them live. It made us sound cool and bad ass. Right up until the one of the leeches started to date the girl I love!

Gah! Okay I Kinda broke my pen. I had to get another one.

Leeches should not date humans. Especially not humans that are the object of affection of werewolves! God! I'm so pissed off right now! I can kill all the leeches in the world, but the one I want to kill most. Stupid treaty line.

I wish I could just…wait…I have an idea.

Start Scene

Jacob threw down his diary journal and jumped out of his bedroom window. He ran through the forests of La Push pushing himself faster and faster. Finally he made it to the treaty line.

He looked down and raised his eyebrows. Usually the treaty line was imaginary, but for some reason there was now a dotted line. He smirked and smudged the line with his toe. He leaned down and set to work. He had a lot of drawing to do.

2 hours later the Cullen house was surrounded by a dotted line. The treaty line had been moved and they were now on Quileute land!

Jacob ripped open the front door to their perfect house and ran up the stairs following the smell of bleach and hair gel.

Like the supernatural badass he was he ripped open the bedroom door.

Edward let out a girly scream!

"Oh no!"

"Oh yes!" Jacob transformed into a giant wolf and attacked, viciously ripping Edward apart. He kicked the pieces of the dead leech into a pile and smirked down at it.

Suddenly, Bella ran out of the closet! She threw her arms around Jacob.

"My hero!"

They proceeded to make out on Edward's bed.

End Scene.

Now that was freaking awesome! I got to kill Edward _and_ to make out with Bella! I know exactly what I'm going to write in this journal now.

Ways to kill Edward Cullen.

I gotta go journal. I'll write in you tomorrow.

-Jake.

P.s. Do leeches buy beds if they don't sleep?


End file.
